this woman’s work

“it is hard to be a lawyer.”

should i ever be called to speak at an alma mater, or to be the participant in some career day exercise, i’d begin with a heavy, solemn, “it is hard to be a lawyer.”  because it is.

don’t be fooled by the seeming simplicity, or deceived by what you may perceive to be an overstatement of the obvious.  the declarative is duplicitous in nature, i assure you.  it is both hard to be(come) a lawyer, and once one has done so, even harder still to (continue to) be a lawyer.

after having done so, many of us spend the remainder of our working days fantasizing about being elsewhere, doing anything but this…for instance, today, i walked through a carefully orchestrated mental exercise on the merits of becoming a goat-herder.  really.  don’t believe me?

–9 Reasons to Become a Goat-Herder, by me–

9. the dogs you get to use to actually herd goats are among the smartest in the world. seriously.  i once saw a special on a border collie that could identify his toys by name (don’t be an idiot. he wasn’t calling them by name, his owner was. but he knew what the hell she was talking about when she said ‘tickle me elmo’ or what have you).

8. at least twice a week, i am called upon to suppress my inner asshole when confronted with the query: “what is the difference between an attorney and a lawyer?”  i’ll have no such ridiculous questions when i’m a goat-herd.  At worst, i’ll have to explain what a “goatherd” does.  And really, “i herd goats” ought to do it.

7. i can walk around with that random piece of straw gripped between my teeth.  i’ve tried to effect this at my office.  i don’t have to tell you how well it is received when one is wearing a three piece suit and pumps.

6.  unless you count all those people in africa, i’ll bet there are very few black goat herders out there. and if i get good at it, i might get a day of recognition during black history month as a pioneer in the field of goat herding (there would probably be a small caption that read: ” *with the exception of all those people in africa.” )

5. goats don’t speak english. all things being equal, neither does a significant contingent of my client base. but, with goats, this is a function of their genetic design. with my clients, this is a function of their retardedness.

4. it is hard to imagine being at a goat herding social, and wondering to oneself how the event-planner managed to squeeze so many douchebags into one isolated setting.

3. a person with a speech impediment in dc can’t lisp 3 words without spitting on a lawyer. i’ll marry the man with the lingual dexterity to spit on a goat-herd from the george washington parkway.

2. compared to what i have to wade through for the average domestic relations case, goat shit really isn’t half bad.

1. i’m pretty sure goats don’t run out of milk. but my clients run out of money. and fast.

there you have it.  nine perfectly good reasons why goat herding bests lawyering even at its finest hour.

but, considering the venue, (the speech at my alma mater or for career day), it is probably best i end on a high note, with resounding praise for my profession of choice:

” then again, my job is pretty awesome.  i mean, i’m a LAWYER, for fuck’s sake. in the middle of a recession, no less.  and, to be fair, it’s been months since i was last hoofed in the face…”

but between you and me, it is hard to be a lawyer.


2 Responses to “this woman’s work”

  1. 1 Marcia O. Wright
    September 28, 2009 at 8:58 pm

    That’s it! You have inspired me to blog too. One day, that is…likely in the distant future — maybe once. But YOU are so classic. More classic than you can ever imagine. You must laugh at yourself at least a thousand times a day, and I mean that stomach-hurting, intense laughter. The contagious kind. Well thanks for posting. I look forward to more reads.

  2. 2 Nicole Dickey
    September 28, 2009 at 11:46 pm

    I am so thrilled to see this – and I hope that this is the beginning of the book that you need to write. Soooo great.

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a history of my meanderings….


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