09
Nov
09

That shit’s awkward

My boss has been telling me for months that I remind him so much of his brother.  Sometimes, he’ll stare at me for prolonged moments after I’ve said something, and declare, “wow, you’re so much like my brother. It’s amazing.  You’ve got to meet him. I swear,  you’re just like him.”

Friday, during our monthly pizza lunch, my boss, and another lawyer in my office were talking about Larry David and Curb Your Enthusiasm, and my boss mentioned that Larry David reminded him of his brother.  He then said, “He’s exactly like my brother. Always says the most inappropriate things, socially awkward, always inappropriately dressed. I swear to God, he’s just like Larry David.”

Yep. That shit’s awkward.

A married friend of mine came over the other night to profess his love for me.

Yep. That shit was awkward.

But the story doesn’t end there.

We ended up having this conversation about poetry and how he used to recite Lear’s “The Owl and the Pussycat” to his daughter when she was a baby.  As we were in my kitchen (a very small space), I grabbed my smallest dog and held him close to me, thinking, somehow, he’d distract my ardent suitor from the inadvertent intimacy of our close quarters. Nope. Not to be deterred, he moved in,  and stroked the neck of the pup, who I imagine was thinking something along the lines of “what the fuck?” and began reciting the poem: “The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea, In a beautiful pea-green boat, They took some honey, and plenty of money, Wrapped up in a five pound note. The Owl looked up to the stars above, And sang to a small guitar, “O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love, What a beautiful Pussy you are, you are, you are, What a beautiful Pussy you are.” Pussy said to the Owl–

At this point I abruptly dropped the dog, and just yelled, “JESUS CHRIST, PLEASE, I get it.”

Okay, that’s not true. That’s how I saw it playing out in my head. In real life I just clutched my puppy and eased out of the kitchen into the more rejected-ardent-married-suitor-friendly spacious living room.

But you get the gist. Yep. That shit was awkward.

My doorman, Sherry, called my cell the other night to let me know that a visitor was on his way up to my place.  Sherry, ever the tactician, described him as a “heavy-set white man, somewhat middle aged.” I thought about telling Sherry that perhaps a quicker, and more precise method of identification would be to simply tell me the visitor’s name, but, I refrained. Sherry then said, “You know, this is your third male visitor this week.”  A little taken aback, I responded with, “What?” Not big on the context clues, Sherry dropped his voice about three decibels, and then articulated, in what I’ve come to view as the how-to-talk-to-a-naughty-girl-whisper, “Three men have visited you this week.” I then responded with the defensive, “HE’S DROPPING SOMETHING OFF, SHERRY.” To which Sherry responded, “So, he won’t need an overnight pass like the others.” To which I responded: “THEY WEREN’T STAYING OVERNIGHT, SHERRY.”  Too late, I realized this didn’t help at all. So, I rebounded with the, “They were just friends, Sherry.” By this time, he was well into placate mode,  giving me the knowing, “ooookay.” Then I dropped my  voice into the how-a-naughty-girl-cornered-fights-back-whisper, and said, “I wasn’t sleeping with any of those men, Sherry. They were just friends. I have girl visitors, too.”  To which, Sherry responded, “Not this week, you haven’t. Anyways, Ms. Agee has been standing here for like, 10 minutes. I gotta go.”  I couldn’t close the gaping stance my mouth had taken quickly enough to formulate the words, “MS. AGEE HAS BEEN STANDING THERE FOR TEN MINUTES?” Around the “Ms. Agee” part, Sherry’d already hung up.

So now, I’m the building tramp.

And you guessed it. That shit’s awkward.

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4 Responses to “That shit’s awkward”


  1. December 3, 2009 at 6:14 pm

    You made me laugh out loud three times. That shit’s awkward…. Keep it up.

  2. 2 DSTPHD2B
    January 12, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    ok, seriously…sherry’s @$$ needs to be fired!! putting you on blast like that?!?!? WTF is THAT about??? sherry wouldn’t happen to be a MAWM (middle-aged white man) would he? you are clearly winning with them, so maybe he’s jealous!

    by the by, i LOVE this blog. my girl sent it to me, and now i’ve sent it to my BFF and about 20 of my girls. you *so* could be our 3rd BFF – you write just like we talk! i have literally laughed OUT LOUD at your posts. so i’m late on this b/c i’m working backward…can’t wait for 2010!

    xoxo

  3. January 12, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    wow, soror(?) thanks! sincerely.


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