10
Nov
09

So, the eyes are the windows to the soul. But what if there’s “slut” behind the curtains?

So, recently, I’ve been killin’ the older white male contingent of the wanna-get-in-your-pants-division of the dc metro social strata. Like, straight obliterating it. I don’t know if these men are motivated by the sight of Michelle Obama on every magazine at their local grocer’s checkout aisle, or are finally awakening the long-slumbering blackgirlcuriosity beast they closet deeply within. Whatever the reason, the alabaster baby boomer honeys, and their direct descendents love me. Can’t get enough of me.

 I don’t necessarily mind the attention, but for one itsy bitsy tiny little hiccup—the vast majority of these men are married. Married like a motherfucker.

 And it got me wondering—what is it about me, that makes these men, in droves, think that I’m the kind of woman that would just disregard wife and children? What is it about me, that shouts, “slut!”

 So, I hit up two of my best male friends for their perspectives on this dilemma. And, there, under the careful tutelage of my friend, Nick, did I discover the root of my problem. I have “slut” behind my eyes. That’s right. Slut—right behind my eyes. (Please note, I’m leaving out the suggestion of my friend, Des, who very thoughtfully asked, “Did it ever occur to you that you might actually be a slut?”)

 The concept of “slut behind the eyes” is not a new one, mind you. Many librarians, generally accepted as demure, meek creatures, have been accused of secret freaknasty tendencies. Similarly, many teachers, middle aged mothers of the friends of teenaged boys, and even the occasional lady law enforcement official have had inklings of this sexual menace shielded from public perusal by the retinas. As an attorney, I am guilty of the most superhuman slut-behind-the-eyes-ism there is: the power slut behind the eyes.

 Now, ladies, don’t be alarmed as you’re reading this. If you should happen to fall into any of these categories, know first that you’ve done nothing wrong. SBE is inadvertent. You don’t even know it’s there. It doesn’t even mean that you’re a slut for real. It just means that men see you, and wish that you were. They hope above all hopes that you are; so much so, in fact, they literally believe that they see a little twinkle in your eye. That’s the mythical “slut twinkle.”

 FAQs on your inner ocular whore:

 Q: How do I know I have SBE? Are there signs?

 A: Unfortunately, SBE is the type of thing that can only be identified after the results are painstakingly evident—much like rabies.

 Q: I know that I have SBE. Can I pass it on to my girlfriends?

 A: No. As a general rule, most men will hate any women you hang out with on any type of a regular basis.

 Q: Is there any way to treat SBE?

 A: Why on earth would you want to do something like that?

 Q: Seriously. I need to get rid of this shit.

 A: There is no definitive cure for SBE, but I have found that the following 3 things help to cool the fires of your suitors’ passion:

  1. Talk about how much you want to get married and have kids. Scientific studies have revealed a woman’s desire for domesticity to be the number one cause of erectile dysfunction in this country.
  2. Randomly effect quick, rough, scratching motions to the back of your head and nape of your neck. This is commonly known as the “crackhead scratch.” Trust me, ain’t nothin’ sexy about a crackhead. Unless, of course, you are high on rock, yourself. Do this enough, and your suitor, even in the midst of his fantasies about you, will pause, and reflect, “why the hell is she scratchin’ all the time?”
  3. Wear large panties. I have found, that extremely large underwear can, and  will, conspicuously appear above the waistline of any well-intended business suit. And, as we all know, sluts are allergic to the cottony comfort of granny panties. Or panties period.  Large panties are the SBE assassin. The silent, but deadly killer of SBE. They make it impossible for anyone to sexually objectify you– ever. Or, look at you straight in the eye without convulsing with laughter, for that matter. Try to go for beigey colors.

 Q: My suitor’s wife called my job. Is it because of SBE?

 A: Nope. If you’re at that wife-calling-my-job phase, you’re probably just a slut, period. That shit’s not behind your eyes at all.

 So, if older married men suddenly seem disproportionately and overwhelmingly interested in the things you have to say; if they start showing up at your home or calling your job; if they stand so close to you that you can see the beads of sweat compiling on their aged foreheads—go home and take a glance in that looking glass—see if there ain’t a little slut behind those irises.

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1 Response to “So, the eyes are the windows to the soul. But what if there’s “slut” behind the curtains?”


  1. 1 Donn
    November 5, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    Come on. Just reading this – reading all of them, any of them – we know you’re a slut. We can smell slut on your keys, from here! ARE YOU KIDDING? Regularly fucking many guys and not feeling obligated to tell any of them is….look up “slut” in the dictionary!

    Not that any of us white boys is having any problem with that. We’re just trying to get terms straight is all. We love you; this is, you know, what we want.


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