23
Nov
09

I call this one, “Scientia Est Potentas, Bitches” or, 12 Things I Learned this Weekend.

12. (fri) things that you’d ordinarily consider disgusting and insulting in your waking life are both permissible and sexy when coupled with salsa and copious wine consumption—exempli gratia: Colombian man dipping you low on the floor and nibbling at that spot where your earlobe and neck meet. Please note, when his snaggertoothed counterpart tried to effectuate a similar move, I gave him the Polamalu strong arm, and my assertive (and practiced) date-rape “NO!” i was tipsy, after all. not out my fucking mind.

11. (sat) if you’re a moderately cute straight girl, going to a black lesbian bar, and you think you’re gonna be one of the hottest thangs in there, cause you’re all femme-y, and certainly the soft butch hoes will be hollerin’ at you—think again. if you are moderately cute in the straight world, you might as well be a gimp-legged cyclops in the black gay-girl world. every single ONE of those broads was a supermodel.

10. (sat) there are tampons and pads on the counters of the immaculately clean countertops at the black gay-girl bar. WORD.

9. (sat) lesbians can smell man on you. yes. you won’t fool anybody. they can smell man on you, and they don’t want your stanky, man-smell-all-up-on-you, you-know-what-loving ass. they’ll pass.

8. (sat) apparently the reach-out-and-grab-you-around-your-waist-pull-you-close-then whisper-some-ridiculously-urban-colloquialism-into-my-ear-in-a-thinly-veiled-attempt to-take-me-home-with-you maneuver is a phenomenon unique to straight bars. either that, or i’m heinously ugly.

7. (sun) megachurches now deliver their announcements via faux newscasts on large teleprompters. i think i hate this practice. ironically, the only thing i hate more is listening to sister betty odessa beulah brown read a cascade of never-ending announcements in spite of her apparent illiteracy. so, yeah. jury’s out.

6. (sun) oddly, i’m okay with a pastor calling a group of people who’ve just decided to join the church at invitational—some of whom have tears streaming down their face—“jokers.” i might have been offended before, but in this post-Palin era, i now know that i am to interpret same as “folksy” and “home-y.”

5. (sun) if a pastor is admonishing a congregation on the tribulations associated with lust of the flesh, it is not a blemish on the efficacy of his message if i’m sitting in the congregation, simultaneously listening and lusting after said pastor. The message was sound. I’m just a nasty joker.

4. (sun) apparently i AM capable of having intelligent conversation over a prolonged period of time with well-meaning and respectable adults, without making any scatological references, sharing inappropriate anecdotes, OR dropping the f-bomb. will endeavor to replicate this civil behavior at least one other time this week to discern the extent of my capabilities as I suspect it was just a fluke.

3. (sun) WWF and WWE wrestling is apparently NOT just for poorly bred white people. apparently EVERYBODY loves that shit irrespective of race, creed, or caste, and here’s why—it’s fucking awesome.

2. (sun) but seriously, it’s like socially acceptable pornography. 30 men, all chiseled up, all in excess of 6 feet, all in excess of 200 lbs, sweating, rolling around in sequined drawes—i don’t know where the other 10,000 people in the Verizon center are from, but, where i’m from, we call that shit porn.

1. (sun) apparently, i have no qualms with gay porn at all. NONE.

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6 Responses to “I call this one, “Scientia Est Potentas, Bitches” or, 12 Things I Learned this Weekend.”


  1. 1 Nicole Dickey
    November 23, 2009 at 6:03 pm

    Laughed myself out of my chair on #7, and couldn’t get myself up off the floor after #2. Thank God I’m the only one in the office today, or that would’ve been really awkward. Brilliant as always, my friend.

  2. 2 Tia Cooke
    November 23, 2009 at 6:07 pm

    Absolutely brilliant!

  3. 3 Kamilah Merritt
    November 23, 2009 at 7:36 pm

    Awww, u know, I flove u. and that was not a typo. and having?driven down that black lesbian road before, i understand u totally. but i always get hit on by chicks and dudes..weird. and u are friggin gorgeous. please know and absorb that info.

  4. November 23, 2009 at 9:28 pm

    If you think going to gay-girl club as the moderately attractive straight woman is tough, try doing it as the token straight guy friend of a handful lesbians. I was fine when introduced to people with a “He’s cool, this is my friend, Refugee,” but as soon they all bailed for the dance floor I was as welcome as a bottle of Boone’s Farm at a wine tasting.

  5. November 23, 2009 at 9:50 pm

    I don’t even know what to say… I am LAUGHING TOO DAMN HARD to type.


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