21
Dec
09

4 businesses that were resilient instead of being bitchasses in the face of a little snowstorm

see, the thing you need to know about me is that, i hate snow.  really. it serves no purpose. it is both cold and wet all at the same time. it’s nature’s most supreme form of hyperbole.

seriously.

why would something need to be both cold and wet?

it’s like a woman who is both fat and ugly.

sure, there are plenty of  men who like big girls, but do they like big, ugly girls?

right, they don’t.

snow is like a big, ugly girl.

2 feet of it at my front door–a big, ugly girl who’s snaggertoothed and has vd.

needless to say, this weekend was a bust.

and i know what you’re thinking. weekend inside, no interruptions. get drunk, watch porn, wander around in your skivvies, dance around to old r&b hits drunk, and in those skivvies.

sure, sure. that’s all well and good for the first 4 hours, but then you’re legitimately trapped. in a snowstorm. and maybe  you’re hungry. so, around, 10:30, you’re thinking, “i’ll just amble on over to the all night harris teeter that’s within walking distance of my place.” only, after you’ve donned 4 layers of clothes and have snow frosting at your knee meat, you see that the harris teeter closed at 4 pm. cause apparently harris teeter is run by crybaby bitchasses who can’t stand a little bit of snow.

well i’m sorry. we’re in a fucking recession. and i’m going to need a few businesses (like the harris teeter and 3 pizza places that i called, almost in tears) to man up and deal with a little inclement weather *insert desperate julia roberts per “Pretty Woman” cry of “I got money to spend here!” *

In the spirit of this, i’ve taken the liberty of comprising a list of  4 businesses that were resilient during this weekend’s snowstorm, even in spite of the bitchasstedness of their competitors. well done guys.

4 businesses that were resilient instead of being bitchasses in the face of a little snowstorm:

4. the chinese food restaurant from around the way-

Go ‘head and git some, chinese food restaurant from around the way! Not only were you open in the middle of a pseudo-blizzard, you were cranking out food with efficiency and glad tidings all around. i could see it in your eyes, chinese food restaurant from around the way. you were as hungry for that good american currency as your patrons were for your lackluster, if not a little bland and gummy, lo mein. and you know what? i don’t even give a damn if the woman at the register misunderstood the modifier “so” as applied to the phrase “thank you so very much,” to the extent that she repeated it after every exchange we made. and i was entirely able to overlook the subtle racial implications of her “would you like fried chicken wings with that, thank you so very much?” after i placed my order. you know why, chinese food restaurant from around the way? because, damnit, beggars can’t be choosers. i don’t need to open your mind to the founding blocks of english diction, or educate you to the strained and tender status of race relations in this country that might come to a breaking point with one, lone, misguided fried chicken reference in the middle of the night. no, no. i just wanted food. and by jove, food you gave me.  keep doin’ what you do, chinese food restaurant from around the way.

3. the abc store

as early as 9:15 pm i was seeing news outlets notifying the public of area churches that wouldn’t be open for service on sunday morning. but guess who still had those doors open wide well into the snow storm ready to pick up all the sinner slack where the churches left off? that’s right, my local package store. yessir. and there were tons of people in there ready to fill their bladders with ethanol only to pee pee their names in the snow all weekend. and i was among their ranks.  and know what?  it was kinda nice to know that i could guiltlessly sleep off my debauchery like a proper person on sunday morning, rather than subject Sister Eula Mae to the distillery that would have been my open pores should we have had occasion to share a pew.  now, i’d be remiss if i didn’t send a special shout out to *Chris* who, let me have a handful of those little baby-sized bottles cause i was “so cute and miserable all bundled up.” and guess what, *Chris,* you were right. a couple of swigs did keep me warm on my trek back across the parking lot.  by the way, if you see this, call me. i’m not at all put out by the fact that you’re 32 and work at an ABC store. frankly, that’s going into your “pros” column.

2. my neighborhood 7-11

honestly, 7-11. “you ever been kidnapped by a poet? if i were a poet, i’d kidnap you.” you inspire verse within me, 7-11. harris teeter was all candyass cause cars couldn’t drive in its parking lot. but  not you, 7-11. you were all, “whatev,” and you sold me those groceries that were 2x as old for 5x harris teeter’s already marked up price, and you did it with all the nastiness, and pisspoor attitude that only a 7-11 serving a hardcore contingent of my low-income neighbors can. 7-11, you didn’t bother to mop up one drop of melted snow that slathered your floors like sweat on a hooker’s back. you didn’t feel the need to put up nary a yellow “caution!” sign. and don’t bother to explain, 7-11, i know why. it wasn’t necessary. anybody who walks into that piece of shit hole in the wall, sans bulletproof vest and/or cleric,  after hours, and then proceeds to purchase what passes as “food” from you laughs in the face of caution. Every dollar bill we hand you says In God We Trust Fuck Caution!!! But you were there with the necessities (juice, champagne, twizzlers, milano cookies), and i thank you.

(as an aside, i know what you’re thinking: “why’d you get champy at a 7-11 instead of the abc store?” great question. it’s all about the juice, you see. as it happens, i’m a bit sickly, generally speaking, and it didn’t occur to me til i’d walked through a snow-drift to a 7-11 that i might catch cold amidst the backdrop of this winter wonderland. so i grabbed some juice at the 7-11. only, i hate juice. you know how some people can’t take tap water without a little ice? i can’t take orange juice without champagne.)

1. the weedman

now, unfortunately, i did not personally patronize the weedman, myself. i am a bit constrained by my profession in this regard. but, that is not to suggest that i did not see you out there on your grind, weedman. as a matter of fact, not only did i SEE you peddling your hallucinogenic wares (just outside of my neighborhood 7-11), people INSIDE of the store WITH me were scheming on just how to get you your money, weedman. i mean, to sell dope, IN THE SNOW? like, that is some whole other stuff, right there. people weren’t even coy with it in the 7-11, weedman. talk of “what chu gon git? i’m tryin to git a nic or a dime” ABOUNDED in the 7-11. 7-11 must have made 50 bucks on dutches, ALONE, in the brief time that i was there. and you know no one just smokes a dutch, weedman. seriously. i’d rather chew on the ears of a live infant. my point is this. times are rough, people are feeling down, and money is tight. and sure, would my neighbors have rather taken their hard earned cash and spent it on groceries and shit to feed their families? of course. but harris teeter was closed. sure, some people call you a no good drug dealer. but you know what? i say you’re an entrepreneur. and when the teet’s produce department was closed, yours was wiiiiiiide open.

chinese food restaurant from around the way, abc store, 7-11, weedman–way to swag surf through a recession, people. would that everyone had your work ethic.

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