i like my facebook the way i like my wall street: heavily regulated like a bitch

Take this down.

On Wednesday, April 14, 2010, I will eradicate I suspect upwards of 40 or so people from my life.

That’s right.

Your girl’s unfriending motherfuckers on Facebook.

Asshole move?


But trust me, this shit is LONG overdue.

There have been some BLATANT violations of heretofore unspoken rules of Facebook decorum.

Why unspoken?

Cause much of this falls under the general rubric of common damned sense.

But, as my father, quoting I’m sure some very important quote-worthy person, once told me: “The masses…..are asses.”

Now, I’m sure I do some annoying shit on Facebook, too. And, by all means, I encourage you to engage in a virtual “calling out” of me on my shit. Get free with it. Unfriend me. I’m sure I’ll somehow find the courage to go on (probably in a fashion similar to the past 10 years when I didn’t speak to you prior to my presence on Facebook).

7 Things that will get you unfriended on my Facebook D-Day:

1. You take multiple pictures of yourself without your shirt on.

A friend of mine brought this up the other day, and I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agreed that this is my NUMBER ONE Facebook pet peeve. Dude, where-in-the-FUCK-is-your-shirt? Put that shit on. And not a wife-beater, either. Put on a shirt with sleeves. Look. I know you were a tool in high school. I get that. I know you’ve worked hard for your new body. Well done, you. But, dawg, nobody feels bad cause they didn’t fuck you in high school. Nobody. You stuttered, dawg. And you said shit that wasn’t funny. Routinely. So this shirtless “getback” thing that you’re on—it’s doing nothing for me. Mixing creatine with your milk and bench pressing Ghanian villages will not erase the impact of your wearing Karl Kani into the late ‘90s. *whisper* You can’t get that time back, dawg.

Also, the one thousand near-naked pictures –they’re vain and effeminate. And I don’t have sex with gay boys. Not on purpose, anyway. And that’s the point, right? To show me how good you look so that I’ll want to have sex with you, right? FAIL. FailfailfailfailfailfailmotherfuckingFAIL. Now, maybe my opinion means nothing to you. Maybe you don’t want to fuck me anyway. Maybe you don’t give a damn what I think. Fine. Agreed. *delete.*

2. You’ve taken one million pictures of yourself posing, or with your camera phone in your bathroom.

Is this a fucking joke? Like, are you kidding me right now? WHOINTHEHELLDOYOUTHINKWANTSTOSEETHATMUCHOFYOURFACE,MONKEY?!?!? Like, you could be the flyest person in the world, you’re still not fly enough to have 200 photos of you in any flash-friendly venue eating up pixels on my Facebook wall. Like, when I see shit like that, I’m not even mad at you. I’m mad at me. I’m mad that I even know a you. I’m mad that you somehow made it past my fervent Facebook gatekeeping efforts, only to saturate this sacred space with 35 images of you lying on your side amidst a sea of Walmart throw pillows that you called your child in from playing outside to take. You are a ridiculous fool of a person. But, not shame on you. Shame the fuck on me.

3. You are suffocating me with your religion.

Look. I’ve reached the height of my tolerance with this. And I think I’ve been more than patient. Just to be clear, people with religious references and Bible verses are not the targets, here. I don’t mind that you choose to talk about the love of Christ in your status messages. I choose to address booze and partying. It takes all kinds.

But a few of you seem to think that this is a contest of sorts. Like, you need to prove to the world wide web how much more you love the Lord than us fallen sinners. Well here’s a word that Christ will never whisper in your ear, but that I want to make certain you hear: You.are.a.monkey. You are a vine-swinging primate, and NO ONE wants to be your type of Christian. YOUR type of religion keeps people FROM church. And I may be a whole host of unholy things, but none of those things keep people from wanting to be around me. But your fanaticism keeps people from wanting to be around you. Let me show you a prime example of this:

You added me as a friend on Facebook, ergo, you don’t mind my Wayside backsliding ways at all.

I’m deleting you from my Facebook wall, ergo, you’re a completebastardtool who supplants all of her/his life’s disappointments with religious fanaticism rather than facing the world—and even if I’m way off base, you’re still annoying the shit out of me.

4. Your poetry sucks.

I’m sorry. It just does. Your poetry sucks. Pretty much the worst shit I’ve ever laid my eyes upon. And I’m not saying this as a person who graduated from one of the nation’s foremost universities and happens to have a degree in English with a Concentration in American Poetry (okay, I made that “concentration” part up). I’m speaking purely from a lay standpoint; as a casual observer and commenter. Your shit sucks. Nobody can identify with your loneliness. Your metaphors fall flat—I can only assume because they’re stupid, but who am I to say? And the hundreds of poems that you’ve posted are one, long, endless succession of trite clichés.

More to the point, what kind of asshole posts their own poetry day after day (probably the same kind of asshole who posts links to her own blog day after day)? Like, stop trying to make us “go there” with you. Stop trying to take us “to that place” with you. If it’s anything like your poetry, it sucks. Also, this just in: IT DOESN’T ALL HAVE TO RHYME! LIKE, AT ALL. This shit is vaguely reminiscent of my first attempts at hiphop freestyle, which, if you haven’t guessed, were FUCKING HORRIBLE.

Don’t know if you’re “that guy?” Here’s a handy-dandy go-to: If you woke up in the middle of the night and your soul was crying out, your fingers aching with longing until you could finally transcribe every precious, melancholy iamb to paper—post it. Everyone else—get the fuck off my page.

5. You detail every phase of your wedding preparation.

MO-THER-FUC-KER. ARE YOU SERIOUS? REALLY? REALLY? Let me tell you something. This has got to be the most annoying shit ever. An occasional update with respect to the happenings of your forthcoming nuptials= okay. A step-by-step play by play, complete with exclamation marks and sentimental emoticons= FLAGRANT FOUL; unnecessary roughness like a bitch. I won’t be a bitch and tell you that no one gives a fuck about your wedding. But I’ll for damn sure risk it and tell you that no one gives a fuck about your wedding prep. No one. Not even those loser bitches that blindly encourage your tomfoolery when they *like* your statuses. Here’s something. Those bitches don’t care about you. They see you as a conduit for their own crazed obsession with getting married. Those bitches are brideophiles. When they *like* that you went to go get pictures taken for the announcements, they’re really *like*-ing the possibility that somehow, someway, some desperate man will overlook the fact that they live with their mother’s spinster aunt, and collect American Girl dolls. That shit’s not about you at all. Normal people, like myself, just think you’re a huge d-bag who’s overly-excited about some shit that, statistically speaking, probably isn’t gonna turn out the way you’d hoped.

6. You’re way too old to misspell shit as much as you do; also, why are you truncating words?

You’re= you are. Your=indicates possession. There=a place (it also equals a few other things, but we’ll stick to the basics for now). Their=indicates possession. They’re= they are. It’s= it is. Its=indicates possession. Who’s=who is. Whose=indicates possession. Than=notes a comparison. Then=a time.

Now, at this point you’re thinking I’m an asshole. Fine. I’ll be that. Kindly jot the aforementioned on the inside of your palm, and we won’t have to have this discussion again.

This shit is not a conundrum, people. It’s basic grammar. It’s like, the first shit you learn, ever.

I don’t have a problem with people who can’t spell. I have a problem with people who refuse to try; people who don’t think that how you sound is important. Well, it’s important to me. And if you think that makes me a bitch, just wait until the 14th.

Also, Facebook is not Twitter. Sooooo, why are you truncating words? And whyyyyyyyyy are you translating them into Ebonics? I’ve got to believe that it takes way more time to type “dis shit iz da bomb. R u ready 2 c me on dis shit?” than were it correctly worded. Like, it literally took me 2 whole minutes to get that down. And, you’re 30, dawg. 30. You look ridiculous. So, I’m giving all of you special eds the boot.

Why? “Cuz dat shit right they’re meanz u r 2 retarded.”

7. You use Facebook as an outlet for your Passive Aggressivism; and that’s WACK.

I wish y’all would just say what you have to say to the people you have to say these things to, and stop lighting up my homepage with all of your relationship strife. Stop changing your relationship status every other day. Stop sending all of these “hidden” messages to that dude who broke your heart but can still see your status updates so you need to let him know that he’s a complete shit and you’re gonna keep on keepin’ on so fuck him you’ll be just fine, but in case any of his friends are still watching, Marcus is a complete dick. Like, stop it. Stop talking about all of the tripped out shit that “people be doin’” when really, you’re just mad at Sarah. Sarah’s the one that did that shit. You’re mad at Sarah, K? Take that shit up with her. OFF of the Internet. Also, stop leaving these cryptic messages designed to prompt queries about your overall well being. Like, I guarandamntee your “I just don’t have anything to be happy about anymore,” post is going to get you the exact opposite response from me than what you envisioned. For instance, on the 14th, the culmination of those posts is going to get you squarely kicked the fuck off of my page.

Now, again, I realize that I am not perfect. In fact, I am deeply flawed. But I submit, that anyone offended by this post has committed one of the above-referenced slights.

In which case, let’s be honest—I probably don’t give a shit about your having taken offense.


9 Responses to “i like my facebook the way i like my wall street: heavily regulated like a bitch”

  1. April 12, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    “I’m mad that you somehow made it past my fervent Facebook gatekeeping efforts, only to saturate this sacred space with 35 images of you lying on your side amidst a sea of Walmart throw pillows that you called your child in from playing outside to take. You are a ridiculous fool of a person.”

    It’s so hard to choose a favorite line from this post, but dear Gawd-ah-mighty, this little gem put me in stitches. Made me wonder if Rielle Hunter (and that ghastly GQ photo)is on your facebook roster.

    My posts today will just have to be direct links to these posts, as you’ve already read my mind and captured my sentiments exactly.

  2. 2 Angela
    April 12, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    I love this! I love every post because they are HILARIOUS and I wish I had the balls to talk to people and tell them how I (REALLY)feel. Now the day that I do, which will likely be in the near future, you will be one of the first to know. Love you! (;

  3. April 12, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    This is awesome! And I don’t even use facebook. But this has most def given me another good reason never to sign up! Lmao

  4. 4 Ti
    April 12, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    why are you truncating words?
    This unnerves me to no end. Like what did vowels ever do to you? This isn’t a text message, why can’t you use the whole word?

  5. 5 Anonymous
    April 13, 2010 at 12:52 am

    nice blog. funny.

  6. 6 madscientist7
    April 13, 2010 at 1:50 am

    i’m going to delete a bunch of facebook friends this evening. i also can’t stand when people send me a bunch of party promotions especially when they live like 4 states away. matter of fact i don’t think i would attend a party that was being advertised on facebook.

  7. May 3, 2010 at 4:19 am

    Good Evening Fooler,
    As a law student i found your blog both entertaining and hopeful… After long hours in the library and countless hours pondering whether law school was really for me, you showed me that I do not really have to like any of this crap. After laughing with my friends for several days over your last posting we anxiously awaited more…..BUT THAT WAS ALMOST A MONTH AGO!!!! Now I understand that you do have a life, career, friends, lux…. Im not sure if your realize that there are a few miserable 1Ls you rely on you to give us light and laughter… So please please PLEASE post.

    Miserable 1Ls in DC

  8. 8 rynhill
    May 5, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    A friend directed me to this, and I love it. However, I really needed to add something vital. I am about to start ditching my fb friends who regularly post self photography. If you have an arm running down the side of ALL your pictures because you keep taking them of yourself, you need to do some soul-searching. I really do get a having a self-pic every now and then. But mostly, it says to me, I think I look pretty hot today and I was hoping you would tell me so. 🙂

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