11
May
10

Go ahead…pour a lil’ out for the homies who ain’t here…

Tupac once told us, not too long ago, that, if you mix a drink that is one part Alize, and one part Crystal, you will magically be transformed into a thug.

Prior to ‘Pac’s elucidation, I profess to having always deemed malt liquor and “Henny” to be the preferred refreshments of thug greats.

He blew my whole mind with that revelation.

But, the man was a legend.

As I sat here, tonight, working, listening to the song that compelled so many of us from the depths of our thug ignorance, I began to wonder whether I’d ever kicked it with a thug.

I concluded that I’ve certainly passed time with some rather sketchy characters.  I kept reaching a mental impasse, though,  with respect to actual application of the “thug” label.

So, I did what any intellectual worth her salt would do.

I devised a “thug test.”

That’s right.

A thug test.

I’ll walk you through it.

There are eleven categories crafted to encapsulate the complete thug experience. Within each category you will find several thug identifiers to which I’ve assigned point values, ranging from 1-10.

After having finished the test, participants can rank their potentially thuggy candidate by way of the thug scale I’ve designed. See below:

0-10 pts—Your man possesses thug attributes, but falls short of needing to be kept a secret from your parents and work colleagues.

11-21 pts—Thug. Abort.

21+ pts—Really, bitch? Are you really fucking this dude? Really?

Without further Ado, I give you…..

THE FOOLER THUG TEST

(I kept the title basic. Thugs hate complicated shit.)

 Category: Guns

-Your man has a gun at home +1

-Your man is not a cop/security guard/bodyguard and keeps a gun on his person in the event that he might have to a) jack some fools, or b) lest he, himself, become a victim of jack-timization +4

Category: Smoking

-Your man smokes Blacks, Swishers, Newports, or Parliaments +2

-Your man smokes one of the aforementioned and places one behind his ear for safekeeping +4

-Bitch, please. Cigarette smoke is nasty. That’s why your man only smokes weed. ‘Cos it’s from the Earth +4

                –Add +2 bonus points if your man pronounces “Earth” “Earph.”

Category: Children

-Your man has a child +1

                –You may deduct a point if the child is the product of a marital union

-Your man has two or more children +2

                –same deduction applies

-Your man has two or more children by two or more women +4

                –don’t deduct shit

-Add +2 bonus points if your man refers to his child/children as his “seed(s).”

 Category: Apathy

-Your man, at least once daily, can be counted on to give a vehement assertion of any of the following:

                -“I don’t give-a-fuck.” +4

                -“Ain’t no thang to me.” +4

                -“I’ma make it do what it do.” +2

-Add +3 bonus points if he precedes any of these with an, “Ay, you know me.”

-Add an additional +1 point if the “Ay, you know me” is accompanied by a shoulder shrug.

Category: Fighting

-Your man won’t shy away from a fight in public +3

-Your man starts fights in public +4

-Your man tries to fight you +6

                —in public +3

 Category: Drugs

-Your man has had any drug selling experience +3

-Your man has referred to said experience through a series of colloquialisms thereby romanticizing it and emphasizing his thuggyness (including but not limited to: “flippin’ pies,” “bakin’ cakes,” “slangin’ yay”) +4

 Category: Undershirt Savvy

-Your man expresses his creativity through his undershirt, and to this end:

                -ties it around his head in a fashion akin to Islamic Jihad +4

                -swings it around in the club when he’s hype +4

                -tucks it into the back pocket of his jeans and lets it hang down +2

                -wears a wifebeater outside of the home as a mainstay of his outfit +2

 Category: Jail/Prison

-Your man has been arrested +1

-Your man has been in jail for a period exceeding two days +4

-Your man has been to prison +6

-Your man has referred to any of the aforementioned time as having done a “lil’ bid.” +10

 Category: Tats

-Your man has a tat of praying hands anywhere +2

                –Add +2 if you’ve never seen/heard him pray

-Your man has a tat on his neck +4, knuckles +4, or face +6

-Your man has a tat of a person’s face anywhere +2

                –Add +2 if the person is his child or very much alive mother

 Category: Alcohol

-Your man drinks malt liquor +1

-Your man drinks malt liquor from a brown paper bag +2

-Your man drinks malt liquor from a brown paper bag while sitting on a stoop or front porch +4

-Your man refers to Hennessy as “Henny” +1 and/or Cognac as “Yak” +1

 Category: The life

-Your man refers to street life as “the game” +2

-Your man refers to his childhood or neighborhood friends as his “soldiers” +3

-Your man has lost two or more “soldiers” to “the game” +4

 Enjoy!

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5 Responses to “Go ahead…pour a lil’ out for the homies who ain’t here…”


  1. 1 tee tos
    May 11, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    i would like to see you expand this lil thug test into a complete and robust encyclopedia on thuggery.

    +100 if it’s first bound in leather…then a clear plastic cover to protect the leather. +50 points if the pages smell like incense sticks.

  2. 2 gannsberg
    May 12, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    Hey! What if you wear the t-shirt on your head while in the house as a substitute for the proverbial “do rag” (My parent afflicted me with a rather large head, and t-shirts do the trick quite nicely!!!!) I only wear it in the house though–I’m not trying to be Kobe Bryant or anything. Do I still have to assign 4 points to my thug index. I’m just trying to justify my thug! (I didn’t get any more points so I may be a slight square)…. lol

  3. May 14, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    LMAO! How did I get to 16 and I have never been to jail, went to Howard (well there ya go), and am gainfully employed with no kids? Hilarious post!

    S Shaw
    http://front-free.com

  4. May 14, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    I only scored a 6- really a 4 since I smoke Marlboro Light’s, but I used to smoke Parliaments in High School. I need to start having kids and drinking more malt liquor on more stoops.

  5. 5 Anonymous
    November 5, 2012 at 12:40 am

    My boo got a 9 so he is in the clear. But I literally HOLLERED while doing this! TOO funny!


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