17
May
10

here’s a newsflash, quickie mart disciple: her period *could* be *your* friend…

This morning at 7-11 I stood behind this especially rough-looking young man who was on the phone with who I will presume was his girlfriend. He was letting her know all of the things that he was picking up–milk, a liter of fanta (don’t even pretend like fanta isn’t some of the most delicious carbonated sugar-water on the planet), a pack of AA batteries, and some cigarettes.

Now, as best I can tell, the woman on the phone asked this dear gentleman if he would be so kind as to—in addition to the rather meaningless assortment of price-gouged trifles he had at the register—grab her a box of tampons.

A virtual LITANY of almost indecipherable “English” burst forth from his ganja-black, chappy lips. “NAH SON, NAH. Ain’tnobodyupinhe-yeretryinagitchunotamponspadsnone-adat,ma!” (Translation: “I’d rather not.”) I can only surmise that his response was met with a case of “The woman doth protest,” as he went on and on while me and the rest of the store waited. “NAW!!! NAW!! WELLYOUJUSGONHAVETOGITUPANDGITCHUSOMEDEN!! YOUJUSTGONHAVETOGITUPANDGITCHUSOMEDEN!! I’m sorry! I’ma man, son! I’ma man. Ain’t nobody fittin’ ta buy no tampons, pads, none-a dat up in here! Call one of your girls to git chu some. I’m comin’ home.”

See that? This man was soooo put off by her womanly time and its accoutrements, that he couldn’t even process rational thought. He was on his way back to the place they shared in common. He was at the quickie mart where one traditionally buys last minute this and thats for sudden needs. And he suggested that this woman, who he obviously has some regard for, at the crack ass of dawn, get up, get dressed, and she, herself, come down to where he already was, to buy some shit that he just couldn’t bring himself to buy. He then supplemented that ridiculously fucked up suggestion with another liken unto it in fuckedupedness—that she call one of her friends—a stranger to their home—and have one of them, at the crack ass of dawn, come down to the store, where he already was, and buy some shit, that he just couldn’t bring himself to buy.

Now, I don’t know what their particular understanding or situation is. I don’t know either of these two people from Adam. But, I can’t help but think that this course of events warrants a: “DUDE ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?!?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! DO I NEED TO CALL THE COUNTY POLICE AND REPORT MYSELF FOR REPEATEDLY PERPETRATING A CRIME? BECAUSE YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A STRAIGHT FUCKING CHILD, DUDE. APPARENTLY THE AUTHORITIES NEED TO BE SUMMONED TO OUR HOME AS I HAVE HERETOFORE BEEN GUILTY OF CHILD FUCKING.”

Now, granted, what happens to a woman’s mound of love during her monthly ladytime isn’t exactly a fistful of awesome. We’re not entirely over the moon about it, ourselves. But this campaign against a woman’s period has got to stop. Like, it has to stop. What that man did, today, was pure-tee ignorant. No other word for it.

And frankly, I don’t get what everyone is so up in arms about. In my mind, men who writhe and moan in disgust about a woman’s period are over-looking two very important factors.

  1. A woman’s period is not a time to fixate on or get disgusted by what her body is doing. Rather, it is a time to get hype about what her body isn’t doing.

Namely, carrying around your unwanted, bastard child. Let me tell you something right now. There are three things in this world that I hate the idea of going on in my belly. Number 3 is my period. Number 2 is the growth of a regenerated alien life form that has, unbeknownst to myself, used my womb to house and incubate its alien-spawn in an effort to proliferate its own kind on this Earth for the ultimate purpose of intergalactic species domination. Number 1 is carrying around your unwanted, bastard child. You just be glad that box of tampons you’re holding isn’t a box of pampers.

You know what’s really nasty, Ignorant7-11Man? The skidmarks that I bet are stained in your damned drawes. I bet you don’t have a bunch of unwashed drawes in your home because that good woman is too skeeved out to wash them. I bet she doesn’t suggest that you call your boys over to put your shitstained boxer-briefs in the gentle cycle.  I’m sure she is big enough to overlook it. Here she is, unable to control having her period, and you can’t even be bothered to wipe your own ass. Be quiet, grow the fuck up, and take that home-making, washing your dirty drawes bitch some tampons.

2. A woman’s period might shine a light on the closet freak you’re kicking it with.

(Ed. Note: I like to put the word “freak” in bold so you can comprehend just how emphatically I am saying the “fr” consonant blend.)

Generally speaking, most menstruating women are inclined to deem any advancing penis as persona non grata for the next three to seven days. EXCEPT for the wha-wha-wha-whats??? That’s right, the freaks. Freaks don’t have a problem with letting you in their little molten hot box of monthly-courses love. Those bitches will put a towel down so quickly and beckon you ever-onward with their come-hither-type stares. But you won’t be in a position to know this super-carnal knowledge-secret about your down-for-whatever girl until her period comes. Here you are thinking you’re dating some mousy, traditional, mealy-mouthed broad who barely communicates above a whisper. Little do you know, there’s a kotex-casting-aside, pop a midol and let’s roll, certified Adina Howard between those Wamsutta 600 thread counts. You could even mess around and find out that once monthly she’ll let you do that other thing in that other place……………….You know what I’m talkin’ about….

So, I’m saying, fellas…

A little perspective, if you please…

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6 Responses to “here’s a newsflash, quickie mart disciple: her period *could* be *your* friend…”


  1. 1 KrispusAttix
    May 17, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    “A fist full of awesome” thats what this blog is!

    So is that emphasized “FREAK”, phoneticized as Fuh-Reek…. In my head it was 🙂

  2. 2 Dinah
    May 18, 2010 at 1:41 am

    amen.

    and this blog is genius. that is all.

  3. 3 gannsberg
    May 18, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    Never really saw the problem with buying what is essentially a box of adhesive tissues…I have a friend in particular who refuses to buy them–but I tried to explain that no one would think they’re for him to no avail…. Not a big deal at all–hell ol boy made a bigger production out of NOT getting the damn pads than if he would have jjust copped those joints and paid and left without incident….

    funny….

  4. May 18, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    tell em why you mad son? really dude should have just sucked it up and bought the tampons. like you said it’s way better than the alternatives. but then again based on the description you gave of dude can you really expect more? and since ole’ girl on the other end of the line is with him, i’m guessing she puts up with him for a reason. *shrug*

  5. May 18, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    Yeah… Gannsberg is still my man, but I can’t buy ’em. He tried to coach me into it, but I can’t do it. It just doesn’t make any sense. I’m tight. Women know exactly when its supposed to go down, so they should be more prepared. Childish, yes.

    I will state this fact though: if a woman is fine enough, she won’t have to worry about having dudes buy those things. Contradictory, yes.

    Typical man: won’t buy them unless she’s stupid fine, and I mean dumb. Superficial, yes.

  6. 6 Naija
    August 22, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    Between the purse carrying thing & the tampon buying thing, I’m inclined to raise an eyebrow when I hear guys talking about being “a grown ass man”. It’s quite apparent that neither belongs to you, so get over your whiny hangups.


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