25
Jun
10

Dear potential clients, please treat the following as “understood” in any contract for legal services struck betwixt us two….

POTENTIAL CLIENTS OF THE GREATER WASHINGTON DC METROPOLITAN AREA:

I want you all to gather round for a moment. I have a few things that I’d like to share, that have been weighing on my heart .

A lot of motherfuckers out there in the world have me confused with someone else.

Now, while I can’t say for certain, by my own cursory estimate, a lot of motherfuckers out there in the world have me confused with some broad who won’t shut all of this shit down.

By “this” I, of course, mean “every motherfucking thing.”

Dear, dear potential clients, only moments before I began this entry, I had to fire an existing client.

Bet you didn’t even know lawyers could fire their clients.

Know who else didn’t know?

My bitchass client.

‘Til I fired that ass.

Why did I fire her?

She refused to watch her fucking tone.

Despite my numerous protestations, she.refused.to.watch.her.tone.

And that made me want to punch her in her sassy mouth.

Which I viewed as both counterintuitive and problematic to our continued attorney-client relationship.

So that bitch had to go.

Now, I know exactly how it happened. I know the precise moment when shit started escalating beyond my control. But, unfortunately, things were so far gone, the only remedy available to me was the nasty, black bitch one.

And she never saw it coming.

No one ever does.

Let me explain.

Hyper-educated black women are compelled to contend with a number of forces on any given day.

Now, because they are “forces,” these things are largely invisible to the naked eye (read as culturally unaware, historically ignorant, socially insensitive as a motherfucker). So if your vision isn’t that stellar (or you just happen to be culturally unaware, historically ignorant, or socially insensitive as a motherfucker) you might fail to notice the constant guerilla warfare in which we frequently engage.

For your general edification, allow me to alert you to the fact that, the moment I walk out of my door, I have to confront several basic truths:

-I am black, and an awful lot of people hate black people. Even the people who pretend they don’t hate black people sometimes hate black people. These people are the ones who generally like black people like me, and hold me up as an example of the type of black person they like. Then they either expressly say or implicitly suggest that we never talk about my being black, as we are, after all, living in a post-racial America. There’s no need for talk of blackness in post-racial America.

-I am a woman, and an awful lot of people think I’m incapable of being as smart as a man, or as tough as a man. An awful lot of people think I’m given to little more than wild flights of fancy or frivolity.

-Everyone expects me to smile. When I don’t smile, I am perceived as being mean, or sassy, or moody. Cause you know, black women are all mean, or sassy, or moody.

-I am expected to find the perfect balance between strong and bitch, between confident and uppity, between attractive and hypersexed.

-I have to take care to annunciate, and utilize proper grammatical sequences and tenses, and appropriately effectuate subject/predicate agreement, for any slip into colloquial speak or euphemisms could result in my listener concluding I know no better. Also, I generally have to articulate every word that comes out of my mouth in a treble at least 1-2 octaves higher than my regular speaking voice; you know, so as not to threaten non-blacks.

-I have to be conscious of the fact that my education and professionalism lend themselves to criticism in my own community, and make certain to appear humble at all times, lest any of my own people think me uppity.

-And after all of this is done, I still have to actually work within a highly politicized framework, pay bills, pay back student loans, get my coarse, Negro hair done, and somewhere in there find time to be sufficiently and thoroughly fucked.

And I gotta make it all look effortless.

Now, I’m not complaining.

I’m a big girl. This is my lot in life. And, given the chance, I probably wouldn’t have it any other way. The most beautiful things we are to achieve in this life are often first born of hardship.

However, on account of my delicately manufactured smoothness of exterior; because of the perceived ease of my delivery, people sometimes forget themselves.

People mistake me for being soft.

And this sad reality weighs heavily on my already-overburdened heart.

Listen, people.

All I’m asking, is that you take into consideration, the breadth of that list of “forces” with which I’m made to contend every day of my young, mahogany-colored, close-cut coiffed existence.

Remember that list. Guard it close.

And know that I am never, ever—

Ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

EVER—

More than 1-2 minutes MAX away from cursing you THE FUCK out.

Okay?

I don’t give a damn WHO you are.

In the immortal words of my prophyte, I will knock allllllllllllllllllllllllla this shit down, okay?

I will straight destroy eeeeeeeeeevvvvvverything within your line of vision.

Further, I have to assume that, if something has brought you to my door, it is you who needs me. Not the other way around. I do just fine on my own. If you have any doubt of this, please refer, once more, to aforementioned list of shit I deal with on a daily basis……SUCCESSFULLY.

So, basically I just need you to watch who the fuck you’re talking to.

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21 Responses to “Dear potential clients, please treat the following as “understood” in any contract for legal services struck betwixt us two….”


  1. 1 The Sir
    June 25, 2010 at 9:32 pm

    BAM! hahahaha 😛

  2. 2 Synman Fredo
    June 25, 2010 at 9:44 pm

    Beautiful.

  3. 3 sourpatchkid
    June 25, 2010 at 10:54 pm

    “…And after all of this is done, I still have to actually work within a highly politicized framework, pay bills, pay back student loans, get my coarse, Negro hair done, and somewhere in there find time to be sufficiently and thoroughly fucked.”

    yo. i literally let out a little scream of laughter after i read that line.

    dawg. this entire post, i could not have articulated better myself. the rest of the world, the “outsiders,” will never truly grasp what you are saying. but you know what. i’m okay with that. because when i read shit like this, i know at least another coarse-haired negro like myself does.

  4. 4 me
    June 25, 2010 at 11:00 pm

    having a HORRIBLE day in which i sadly concluded that it has taken me only 1 week to hate the people i work with here as much as i hate the people i work with there *sigh… spent all day trying not to be passive aggressive with my co-worker AND knowing i couldn’t cuss her out (what the hell are we supposed to do?!)…and just boiling… glad you were able to kick her out of your life. keep your head up!

  5. June 25, 2010 at 11:42 pm

    Your list is so true… it’s a shame that our world is still like this. Tweak some parts here and there and BOOM- you can effectively apply it to most other types of people as well.

  6. June 26, 2010 at 12:06 am

    I want you to be my new Bff. Like seriously..I’m gonna frame this and put it on my desk. Glad I’m not the only one out here.

  7. 7 klkenned
    June 26, 2010 at 1:26 am

    * slow clap *

  8. 8 LawInTheMaking
    June 26, 2010 at 1:33 am

    Bravo.

  9. 9 DOCLOVE
    June 26, 2010 at 3:04 am

    YOU ARE A FOOL…

  10. June 26, 2010 at 3:59 pm

    This amazing entry is missing the pay-off of a more descriptive account of the firing of the client, but the added text would have swelled the entry beyond its optimum fighting weight.

  11. June 26, 2010 at 7:52 pm

    So, basically I just need you to watch who the fuck you’re talking to. <—That shit there. MotherfuckingTruth.Com

  12. June 26, 2010 at 10:32 pm

    this.was.fucking.amazing.

    that is all

  13. 13 the.biffany
    June 27, 2010 at 4:18 am

    OH. MY. GAWD!!!! I was JEEEEUST thinking this SAME GOTDAMN SHIT!!!! Stewing. Steaming. Trying to convert my negative energy into my self-employment plan so if I have to have clients, I can stomp em’ at the curb, if necessary and so I don’t have to keep the company slavish-line: “They’re the client so we should bow down. Now, let’s practice your ‘Yessur, Massasur’.”

  14. June 27, 2010 at 11:55 am

    Yes.
    Yes.
    YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

  15. 15 erika
    June 27, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    B-R-A-V-A!

  16. 16 Jet Black
    June 28, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    (deep sigh) i may have to read this everyday.

  17. 17 cindasmommy
    July 12, 2010 at 11:16 pm

    Damn this was good. I felt my own soul pouring out.

  18. 18 LawInTheMaking
    July 20, 2010 at 1:22 am

    As I was reading through my PR outline, I ran across a line that said, “…if the lawyer has a fundamental disagreement with the client, the lawyer may withdraw.”

    I had to chuckle. Thank you for adding a substantial amount of humor to that rule.

  19. February 22, 2011 at 3:56 am

    This right here?? This right here???

    This all day.

    You broke a day in the life of a successful black woman all the way down to the point that I was like, “well shit, I DO have to do that, and I DO do it well!!”

    The last line was the best sum of a blog post to ever be written in all the world.

    I may add a link to this post to my email signature.

  20. 20 Alan
    October 14, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    I can’t be the only person who wants to take you on a date after reading this. (that’s a simple-ass reaction, but I can’t help it.)


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