shit i never got over volume ii: an essay on my most unforgettable kiss, and the first time i didn’t lose my virginity.

I want to tell you about the second boy I ever kissed on the mouth.

I’d tell you about the first, but, in retrospect—there may or may not have been a slight inference of Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor involved with that one, in that I was a mere 16, and he was, you know—27. Bygones.

Now, perhaps you’re thinking, “Wow, 16. That’s awfully old to have a first mouth kiss.” You’re right. It is. The reason for this is two-fold:

  1. I was freakishly scared to kiss a boy. I know, I know. Strange. But, I was terrified that I’d try it and be horrible at it. In my ridiculously paranoid juvenile mind,  a kissing disaster would prompt a rapid spread of news  that I was, in fact, the world’s worst kisser, and no one would ever, EVER want to kiss me again. Please bear in mind, I was an only child whose parents placed absolutely zero parameters on my television-watching privileges. You try watching Mickey Rourke slather bitches down with his tongue and then peep a couple of soft core Emmanuelle-style delicate, baby kisses at age 13, and see if you aren’t intimidated to inaction until assured of your own ability to perfect the deed.

So, right.  I was scared. But also, and perhaps, more importantly:

             2. Nobody wanted to kiss me on the mouth.

Now, perhaps you’re wondering why I’m placing such emphasis on “on the mouth.” There is the small matter of that one time in the mall when “Rob” was trying to give me an awkward goodbye kiss, and I inclined my head too much, and my lips brushed his Adam’s apple. It was too mortifying an event to regroup and make a second attempt for the actual targeted lips, so I just let the embarrassing sleeping dog lie on his neck where it was. (I was so easily humiliated back then. Years later I’d go to the wedding of my friends “Art” and “Carly,” effectuate too brisk a pivot in my spaghetti strapped Max Azria dress, and bare one full, dusky-nippled b-cup breast to an entire row of Art’s Trinidadian cousins, hardly breaking a sweat.)

But I digress.  I want to tell you about the second boy I ever kissed on the mouth.

He was, coincidentally, the finest man with whom I have ever shared even the slightest intimacy. As I live and breathe let me assure you that should I roam this earth another eighty years, he will continue to be the finest man with whom I’ve ever shared any intimacy.

Let’s call him “Lee.”

So right, there I was, 16 years of age, confident that the world was my oyster, and quite assured that I knew all there was to know about anything that was even remotely important. I was Junior Class President. I was in the top ten percent of my class. I had a brand new car. I had never terminated a pregnancy. By all accounts, things were comin’ up roses.

Now, being a brainiac goody-goody had its downsides. I’d never had a boyfriend. None of the boys I’d had crushes on were particularly feeling me. And, truth be told, I’d made peace with this. I was content to like the boys that I liked from afar.

And granted, I’d noticed the new boy like everyone else. Tall, fairskinned, head full of the most beautiful locks I’d ever seen. He had an accent that betrayed a background so entirely different than any of ours. He was rough around the edges, and had rasp in his voice to prove it. Better still, he’d perfected that i-don’t-give-a-fuck-one-leg-propped-behind-him-lean-back-against-the-wall-stance that left your mouth dry, your thoughts hazy, and your panties square around your ankles if you weren’t paying attention.

But I was paying attention. I’d barely spared the interloper a second glance, save to admire those resplendent locks he’d absently whisked from his face with a flicker of his neck.

I’d known his name was “Lee.” We’d all known that. But boys like that—quiet, sexy as hell boys—they weren’t checking for me, and I was all crushed out.

Until the day that changed everything.

My girl, “Amber,” had mentioned that Lee had asked about me. When I’d inquired as to what, she’d smiled coyly, and said that he’d thought I was cute; that he’d wanted to know if I had a boyfriend.

I was so confused by this. What would this dude want with me? Boys with creamy smooth skin like that, with hair like that, didn’t want me. I’d thought that Amber was surely mistaken.

But, as it happened, she wasn’t.

Lee was actually feeling me.

We began this phone interlude that largely consisted of him calling, and me talking. I’d go on and on about some this or that, and he’d laugh, occasionally, but mainly just listen. I wasn’t certain whether this was a function of my talkativeness, or his retardation and inability to understand what I was saying. But I didn’t care. I was on Cloud Nine. My ascent into oblivion was complete. At long last, Fooler had made good. Fooler was gonna get the guy. And damnit, Fooler was gonna kiss this motherfucker SQUARE on the mouth!

And a few weeks later, when Lee asked me to come over to his house after school, I was ready.

Granted, it was on a side of town that my mother had preferred I not frequent, but, my mother had never known fineness like this. Seriously, this man’s hair was so thick, and so lustrous, and so beautifully maintained. These were not the locks of a 17 year old boy. Oh no. These were grown man, well tended locks. These were locks that had seen love, and affection, and nurturing. These were spiritual locks.

And Lee was so spiritual.

He was a man of few words, but, he was Muslim—and by “Muslim” I mean, he called himself a Muslim and said “Allah” as opposed to “God”—that had been the extent of our religious discourse.

But he wanted to be on a higher level with me (I should note, at this point, that he was the first in a long line of men who wanted to be on a “higher level” with me. As an adult, I now know this to mean “fuck you without calling you my girlfriend”).

We’d gone to the mall, once, and he’d bought some sneakers, and as we were walking around a department store he’d asked, “Do you want anything? I’ll get you anything you want.” I’d never been the kind of girl to take anything from a man (this was hypothetical, of course, because no one had ever offered…but I’d assumed that should the occasion ever arise where a man would make such an offer, I’d be exactly the kind of girl to politely decline.  I’ll note here, that this was an awfully progressive line of thought for an adolescent black girl at the time, coming up in an era when a boy was expected to show his affection for you via purchase of herringbone necklace). I’d shook my head, “no,” and smiled. He’d returned the smile and kissed me on my forehead, saying softly, “I really like you. You’re different.” It was all I could do not to strip naked then and there in Greenbrier Mall, demanding that he make nonexistent the irksome virginity that so intrudingly stood between my legs, and by proxy—us.

So, you see, it was a non-issue when my beloved had requested my presence at his familial homestead, on the not so pleasant side of town in complete defiance of my parents, when his guardians were conspicuously absent.

No one could understand our bond.

His fineness.

His spirituality.

His seemingly non-committal, but fuck it, what did I care Muslimness.

His locks.

When I got to his house, he showed me around. I noticed the furnishings, some pictures here and there.  We talked, briefly, about his family, about school. There was little to say as we had absolutely nothing in common, but I was so drawn to him. He excused himself to the adjoining room and told me to make myself comfortable.

I was trippin.

Girl, what are you gonna do? This dude is fine as hell.  You’re sittin up in this motherfucker’s house like you fittin’ to do somethin’. Okay, okay, relax. You can kiss him. You can kiss him and go home, but that’s it. That.is.it.

Unless it’s good.  If it’s good, he can feel your titties, but that’s it. Titties is all. Don’t take your shirt off. If you take your shirt off, he’s gonna take his shirt off, and then y’all are gonna be almost naked, and then you gotta do it. You can’t do it with this dude. You’re not ready to do it.

Damn, he’s sexy. Fuck it. I’ma do it.

No. No. No. I can’t do it. I can’t. I don’t even know him. Titties. JUST. TITTIES. 

(Sadly, this would not be the last time I ever had to have this conversation with myself while waiting on the return of a suitor.)

“Lee, you all right in there?” I called out, when he didn’t return, immediately.

“Yeah, just a sec,” he’d replied.

I heard it before he re-entered the room.

Lee had turned on “mood” music.

Only it was K-Ci and Jo Jo’s “All My Life.”

I fucking hated this song.

Lee stood there in all of his spectacular, winsome glory, smiling broadly. “I love this song.”

Perfect. Fucking perfect.

Standing before me, extending his hands to mine to help me from my seat  and draw me nearer, he asked, “Do you like this song?”

We were standing so close that our noses were touching. My heart was pounding so firmly in my chest I thought my passion for him was going to burst forth, all blood and guts, straight from my rib cage.

“I love this song,” I answered, in barely a whisper.

And then it happened.

My second on the mouth kiss.

We were all wild and wet tangled tongues, his mouth swallowing mine in a fit of ill-tempered, frenzied youth.  His fingers interlocked at the small of my back, and I stood on my tippy toes, eyes closed, nails gripping at his shoulders trying to show him how good at this I was; how completely and totally not amateur I was.


It was bad.

Like, awkwardly, suffocatingly, excessively liquid-y bad.

I couldn’t focus.

Gremlin K-Ci and fatassed Jo Jo were winding their monster-faced grooves into my mojo, their shrill cries metastasizing on my lust like some dark, sickly, two-most-fucked-up-members-of-Jodeci-sized cancer.

Lee broke away from our kiss.

Could this be? Could he feel it too? Did our connection run so deep that he knew when the beat was off? Was his super spiritual Muslimmy nature attune to the fact that this would be so much better and less manufactured if he’d simply slip in the Tony Rich Project “Like a Woman” like he’d done so many times in my fantasies?

He whispered then—

And  my world came crumbling to an embarrassing halt.

“Pull my hair,” he said.

* insert mental scratched record sound *

“What?” I’d asked.

“Pull my hair,” he repeated.

I knew this was God’s way of punishing me for my wanton streak of harlotry. I didn’t want to disappoint Lee. I mean, maybe this was what people did when they made out.

I reached my hands upwards to the mane that I’d coveted so desperately in my heart, and when I was but a breath away from it, I hesitated.

“Go ‘head. Pull it. Pull my hair.”

He kissed me hard, then, and I gripped the coarse tendrils firmly in my hands as he moaned in my mouth.

This wasn’t sweet at all.

Or sexy.

This was porn-y.

And fucking weird.

It went on for another full cycle of the song (the bastard had put that horrible shit on repeat) before I pulled away.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing. It’s just getting late. I have to go.”

I rushed out of there like there was fire to my ankles. 

I would later give a more civil explanation to my friends when they inquired about the cool down between me and Lee.

In reality, the depth of his ardor was too much for me at the time.

I was class president for fuck’s sake. What the hell did I look like acquiescing to dudes’ fetishes at 3:00 on a Thursday afternoon to R&B power ballads?

In hindsight, Lee was fine as shit, and leaving was a weak bitch prude move.

I didn’t know I’d one day be 30, with the most mild of sexual requests being the shoving of inanimate objects up a companion’s backpipe.

Lee, to this day, I can’t listen to K-Ci and Jo Jo without thoughts of your nappy ass hair making ashy the skin between my fingers, running through my head.

If you’re out there, if you’re reading—I’m sorry.

Call me.

I’ll yank the scalp out that shit.


5 Responses to “shit i never got over volume ii: an essay on my most unforgettable kiss, and the first time i didn’t lose my virginity.”

  1. August 26, 2010 at 5:46 am

    “Jimmy Lee, where can ya be?”

    Hey, we’ve all been in similar situations. Too bad you werent at a place where you could have said “I effin hate that song, turn that ish off!”


  2. 2 Synman Fredo
    August 26, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    “I was class president for fuck’s sake. What the hell did I look like acquiescing to dudes’ fetishes at 3:00 on a Thursday afternoon to R&B power ballads?”

    That has to be the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks. I needed this laugh. Thank you. You’re awesomeness incarnate. Keep them coming please…

  3. August 26, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    this is hilarious. damn how old was i when i had my first real kiss? 19-20 maybe. damn a sheltered life i used to live.

  4. 4 LawInTheMaking
    August 26, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    Never a disappointment. This was great.

  5. 5 sourpatchkid
    August 28, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    ahaha, loved the conversation you had with yourself in your head as you awaited your sloppy mouthed, sexy locked suitor. aaaahhh, haven’t we all been there.

    um, and can we get a blog post about the shoving of inanimate objects up a companion’s backpipe? i’m just saying, that’s quality reading right there.

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a history of my meanderings….


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