08
Feb
11

let’s call a spade a spade and a post a post, or, “a deluge of f-bombs & (non)sex talk….”

“Do you have a jumpoff?” I asked Kate over bbm.

I was doing that thing straight girls do when they’re trying to play it cool with gay girls they think are kinda cute.
“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but…I just thought I’d ask,” I anxiously typed in an attempt to preserve my awesome.
Kate gave me what I was beginning to recognize as her standard, initial “WTF…lol…” response, but followed it up with “No, I don’t have a jumpoff. I do have a cuddle buddy, though.”
So, here’s the thing.
I have this sort of disability where I ask a quick succession of questions, that, to a casual observer, might make me appear rude, or insensitive, or abrasive. I’ve been trying to work on it, and decided, immediately, that I would seize upon this opportunity to be diplomatic in my information-gathering. I would be respectful, and endeavor not to overburden Kate with queries that might make her feel uncomfortable, or stupid, or regretful that she’d shared.
“The fuck you mean you have a ‘cuddle buddy’? What the fuck is a ‘cuddle buddy’?”
(These techniques take time.)
Another “LOL” from Kate.
She began again. “You know, a friend who comes through every now and then to kick it. Nothing really happens. We mainly just chill and, you know, cuddle.”
Me, again. “Look. I’m doing the best I can not to throw up, here. Just walk me slowly through this. Am I to understand that this is a no-fucking arrangement?”
“Nope. No fucking,” answered Kate.
“Just *chokes back vomit* cuddling?” I asked
“Occasional kissing, but, yeah…generally…just cuddling.”
“But why?” I pressed. “Why would you do this?”
“It’s more for her, really,” Kate replied. “Her girl’s away, and she just needs a warm body. I like to think of myself as just being a good friend.”
“Riiighhht….even though you stand to benefit nothing from this arrangement?”
“Yep,” came her matter-of-fact reply.
“Have you never done this before?” she asked. “Never had a cuddle buddy?”
I didn’t even have to deliberate.
“No. I pay a mortgage in my house so that I can fuck here. You’re talking nonsense.”
My mind was reeling.
I could feel sweat beading at my temples.
My heart was practically skipping out of my chest, and these hot rushes of blood kept surging to my cheeks.
“What about this is so crazy to you?” asked Kate.
I ignored her question, momentarily, and made two frenzied phone calls, both confirming Kate’s dreadful account, and my worst fears.
This can’t be…This.just.can’t.be
…. I thought to myself.
I feverishly looked at my bbm, and saw Kate’s emboldened name staring back at me.
I consulted my contacts, and made one, final go at it.
I sighed with brutal resignation. This was going to be painful.
My thumbs flew across the qwerty keyboard.
Me: “Elodie, you’re soft. Lemme ask you a question. You ever heard of a ‘cuddle buddy’?”
Elodie: “Yes! Of course! It’s SO fun!”
*insert gnashing of teeth on my end*
Elodie: “It’s so much affection by definition. Essentially, it’s someone you spend quality time with. Holding and touching. Doesn’t involve sex. Maybe kissing. A lot of close proximity and time together.”
Me: “Oh. My.God.”
Elodie: “I love it. I personally enjoy the cuddle buddy who knows how to run his nose ever so lightly across my skin…”
(Look. I know y’all think I’m making this up, right now, but I swear, I’m not. This is all verbatim. This is so real.)
Elodie: “…massage my earlobes…”
Me: “Are you joking? Are you shitting me, right now?”
Elodie: “…intertwine my fingers with his….”
Me: “This is serious, Elodie.”
Elodie: “No,  I’m dead serious. Serious as a heart attack. It’s very special QT. It’s nice and really makes you feel special.”
Me: “I’ve heard enough.”
Elodie: “Oh! Don’t forget spooning. Are you about to get one?”
The fuck?
Me: “Have you ever met me? Like, ever? Ever talked to me at all? Had a conversation with me?”

Elodie: “I mean. You asked.”
I had. I had, indeed.
I returned my attentions to Kate.
“Sorry. This is so much. It’s just that…no man on eeeeeeeeeaaaaaaarrrrrpppppphhh would EVER agree to such a
thing…unless he was like….the loneliest, ugliest man ever,” said I.
There was a brief pause before I saw that she was typing, once more.
“I’m not a man, hon.”
No. No, she was not.
And she sure the shit wasn’t ugly.

****************

Women of America—
What
In the
ENTIRE,
SPHERICAL
WORLD
Of FUCK
Is the matter with you?
Seriously.
I wanna know.
WHAT
In
THEEEEE
FUCK
Is the matter with you?
I KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW y’all are behind this shit.
I got two lesbians, one linesister, and one powerfully JuliaRoberts/CameronDiaz/JenniferAniston/AshtonKutcher straight bitch confirming the existence of what HAS to be THE most HERETOFORE INCREDULOUS nonromantic romantic institution known to man.
Really?
Look.
Overly-sentimental though she may be, my friend, Elodie, is the best. Really. She’s tops.
And I’m sure whatever lucky broad Kate idly passes time bunning up with is worth more than her weight in giggles and tickles.
But, notwithstanding these two…
And not to sound like some two-pence slut, but…
Ladies….
Who in the SHIT do y’all think y’all are?
That’s a serious question.
I mean it.
Who in THE SHIT do y’all think y’all are?
I’m gonna say something controversial.
Wait for it.
I get sooooooooooooooooooo tiiiiiiiiiiiiired of hearing about the fact that there are no good black men in this world.
Sooooooooooooo tired.
I don’t hear a lot of lesbians saying “Black bitches ain’t shit,” but….I’m certain, if black women, in any way, are able to corner the market and have the franchise on lesbianism, we’ll be sure to complain about a lack of appropriate girl on girlers as well.
Somebody, somewhere
has sold y’all broads a bill of goods.
Some lying, deceiving, misguided, trying/to/get/the/ass/quick/soul has convinced you all that your drawes are gilded in gold and your elbows can’t be ashy.
Every day, I see motherfuckers on Facebook giving themselves these empowered middle names; regarding themselves as the lost imperial Nubian queens of the Motherland, and can’t fry a damned fish.
Whoooooooooo are y’all?
AND nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow…..
To marry INSULT with INJURY in the UNHOLIEST of matrimony, I hear tell of women taking showers, doing their hair, and rolling up in cribs smelling good, titties riding high, jeans cut tight, to snnnnnnuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggle up in a dude’s arms  (or chick’s….whatever your pleasure)………………………..
And cuddle.
I don’t have the time or space to address the simpin’ ass mentality that permits such an EGREGIOUS violation of interpersonal relations.
So, let me just say my piece/peace, and be on about my own way….because this is a blog about me.
(friends, family, spouses of friends and family, colleagues, spouses of colleagues—please disregard)
*Ahem*
STAY
THEEEE HELLLLLLL
HOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMME.
Do NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT
Come in THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS house
With annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnny expectations of preserving your chastity, your moral strongholds, your righteous high-ground………hell…..your fucking dignity……
STAY HOME.
If you come in THIS house….smelling good, showered, finely adorned under the cover of night, or at the occasional noonday hour, I’MA ASSUME……I’MA take it as GOSPEL TRUTH….
That you’re ready to rock.
Ain’t noooooooooooooooooooo cuddling going on in this house.
This shit right here…
NO
CUDDLE
ZONE.
DON’TYOUDARECUDDLEMEINTHISMOTHERFUCKER.
Does everyone understand that.
I pay real bills.
I want real sex.
This shit right here….
This “cuddle buddy” shit right here…
This is why we can’t have nothin’.

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16 Responses to “let’s call a spade a spade and a post a post, or, “a deluge of f-bombs & (non)sex talk….””


  1. 1 gannsberg
    February 8, 2011 at 4:36 am

    Amen–I married now, but this was the recipe for cerulean testicles (your turn of a phrase–not mine)!!!! A story to wit: A friend of mine named (shall we say Charlie) became so frustrated with his newly minted “cuddle buddy” that he went ahead and “relieved himself” on her derrière while she was blissfully unaware in her cuddling slumber and then straight left her crib!

    Now I ain’t saying it would be me, but I indubitably understand. Women must get over this romanticized chastity ideal because once your out of high school, nobody gives a flying fuck who you bed down. And even if they do, fuck it, it’s 2011 and you’re grown! Women, you may not find love but you may happen upon a good orgasm! Keep it safe but go ahead and give up that notion that your stuff is more than it is. A man will move on if he is not getting what he wants–and that’s the quadrupole truth Ruth!

    the names have been changed to protect the guilty.

    • February 8, 2011 at 6:55 pm

      Gannsberg, I believe that I remember that story. (It wasn’t me, ya’ll.) My heart went out to Charlie when he told the story and I remember laughing my ass off at him too. Trying to parlay a friendship into a sexual relationship is a rookie mistake. If I remember correctly, Charlie had a history of acting bad on them Freshman year, and beyond.

      Amen to the post Fooler. Essentially, Niggas willing to settle for a snuggle buddy in lieu of fuck buddy have violated the game on multiple levels. One, they have sold themselves far short of their real intended goals. Two, these bare minimum Niggas drive the price up with their no-sexual expectations hype. There ain’t no coming back from that level of simpin’.

      Once you are simpin’ on the “no-expectations” snuggle level, the only place left to go is making it rain in night clubs because your song is on.

  2. 3 Boondoc
    February 8, 2011 at 4:37 am

    *sigh* i wish i could make fun of you for being this late in hearing about the bullshit that is a “cuddle buddy” but really, i’m jealous of the fact that you’ve made it this far without running into the shit.

    i swear to jesus if a broad called me to come over anything past a decent christian hour there’s going to be some sex. i’m not talking some roethlisberger shit, but i’m coming over with the full expectation of you either A) not having panties on by the time i get there or B) under the full awareness that you will not be wearing said garments for much longer after i arrive. we can negotiate on some cuddling after the grown up stuff is taken care of, but if you need someone to “just hold you” i suggest you get one of these, http://www.amazon.com/Boyfriend-Pillow-Arm-A16172/dp/B0012BISBY throw that motherfucker in the dryer for 10 minutes and call that shit a night. just don’t call me.

    also, i bet dudes willing to be some broads “i’ll just cuddle with her and poke her with my horribly neglected penis until she realizes that i’m her one true love and fucks me” chump is what has these little niggas running around wearing girls pants.

  3. February 8, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    yeah cuddle buddies are the dumbest shit I’ve heard of in recent times. like Boondoc said I’m surprised and jealous you’ve gone this long in life without hearing of it.

    I don’t mind cuddling at all, but I don’t need a person for that exclusively. I need some sex too. lol

  4. 5 D.
    February 8, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    Just become a comedy writer and be done with it. Too funny…

  5. February 8, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    i’ve heard of the term cuddle buddy and i never really saw the point of having one. if you want we can cuddle after we have sex but you coming over for the sole purpose of just to lay with you is not ever going to happen. you better get a snuggie to keep you warm.

  6. 7 FM
    February 8, 2011 at 9:23 pm

    I’m sorry if this comes off rude, but – aside from the topic – this is just not that funny. It comes off contrived and incoherent. It makes me think of fb and how everyone wants to contribute a witty line and then they attempt and then they fail but there is always someone there to say it’s the deepest/funniest thing they’ve ever heard.

    I mean – I really wanted to laugh and was disappointed b/c I got through to the bottom with my head just cocked to the side and my eyes scrunched up in a combination of confusion and exhaustion. Things don’t just become funny b/c you take a crazy view on them and use caps and the return button liberally – it actually still has to be funny…

  7. 8 SG
    February 8, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    It’s just a blog…and you don’t actually HAVE to read it…or comment. You took time out of your day to voice how unfunny this post was…why? (sigh)

    Fooler – I must admit I’m guilty of enjoying a “cuddle buddy” or two in my day, and I’m proud of it LOL! Nevertheless, this post was hilarious and gave me a good laugh at work…as always. Love it! 🙂

    • 9 gannsberg
      March 3, 2011 at 2:18 am

      FM, I’m sure one of your good friends told you about this blog hoping that you would loosen up and extract the proverbial bug in your nether region….. Alas that bug is lodged so far up your orifice that you have no concept of comical banter. (probably got a “cuddle buddy” for every day of the week)

      Feel for you, but I can’t reach you if fooler can’t…..

      (P.S. you’re lucky that fooler didn’t summarily smack you down for your insolence you churlish wench!!!!)

      Must be a New Year because she didn’t espouse her two favorite words that my man Ceelo turned into a song–but I have no compunction: FUCK YOU!!!!

      (see how I put it in all caps and hit return for this final post script??? I know you’re offended, but I don’t know you or the bug up yo ass so I could not care less!!!!)

      hit me back if you want to but I assure you that you don’t want none.

      • 10 gannsberg
        March 3, 2011 at 11:19 pm

        SG from the bottom of my heart I apologize…the comment was meant for FM! please disregard my rant. lol (not you though FM!!!)

  8. February 10, 2011 at 4:03 am

    Hilarious entry. A woman tried to pull that “cuddle buddy” bullshit on me a few years ago. Let’s call her “Fool’s Gold.” The first time Fool’s Gold laid up under me but didn’t want to fuck, I chalked it up to “It’s 3AM, so she’s probably just tired or something.

    The second time she pulled that shit, we were kissing, grabbing, groping, peeling off clothes, etc…She got me hard enough to cut muthafuckin’ DIAMONDS, then just wanted to cuddle. I took the high road, went downstairs to watch Sportscenter, then made it a point not to touch her in any way, shape or form when I finally went to bed. The next morning, I let her know that I liked her conversation, but she’s kinda useless to me if she’s not putting out.

    All I could think about when I was watching Sportscenter was “She must think I’m some kind of sucker! I wonder whose actually getting the pussy that I just warmed up and fed? Even if it’s just a matter of her not being that into me, the end result is the same. Time to nip this shit in the bud!”

    LOL @ Gannsberg’s comment! My friend Pedro once told the woman he eventually married “If it doesn’t happen in you it’s happening on you”

  9. 12 Dtothep
    February 12, 2011 at 3:24 am

    Dammit, I love you, woman.

    As far as FM, who are you, Grouchy Smurf? (“I hate la la, lalala…”) You’re entitled to your opinion, but just know that there are plenty of folks that find Ms Fooler hilarious AND enlightening.

  10. March 10, 2011 at 4:04 am

    Sigh. Wish you wrote more often. Love love looooove your writing! I think I’ve read the whole thing and compiled a list of my favorites.

  11. 14 NubianEmpress
    March 10, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    i believe i have engaged in this behavior unknowingly….smh. it was fun tho

  12. 15 Anonymous
    March 15, 2011 at 3:27 am

    We need you to get on the fiber diet and get regulah! It’s been over a month now and the masses are getting restless. I’ll forgive you if family or work has been maxing your time, otherwise we need to see something. Something…..


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a history of my meanderings….

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