as told by tosin……..

My linesister’s two years in New York City were the longest two years of my life. Every single day, some new horror befell her. She changed after that. We all did.

Anyway, of all her truly fucked tales of woe, what follows is my favorite. It honestly has to be the second greatest story ever told.*

So, without further ado, The Fooler Initiative presents its very first guest blogger…Linesister!

hookers. pimps. grapes.

sometimes…in my fixed determination to escape reality….i take a lengthy journey down memory lane. it’s not always pretty. but it’s never boring. this one is a fave.

i was headed home on the A train one night in september. the journey uptown from where i was…took about 30 minutes– long enough for me to witness the highest level of human fuckery i can remember to date.

the cast of characters included a few hookers, a homeless pimp, a “school teacher”, “school teacher’s” friend,. and a retired senior citizen…an old white man reading a book….maybe something by tennessee williams.

anyway….the hookers got on the train first. just trust me when i say they were hookers. one had several healed cuts on her face and another was crying and had smeared makeup running down her entire greasy face. come to think of it. she sorta resembled the joker. their clothes, as would be expected, were of the most micro and spandex kind. no bras. platform shoes. they sat together and it appeared the hooker with the cuts was attempting to comfort the crying hooker. they passed a few crumpled dollars between themselves. no big deal.

anyway, a stop later, an older man….dressed in nothing more than a pair of zebra patterned pants and matching zebra faux fur coat got on. and a matching zebra hat. i know he was a pimp. everyone on that train knew. either that or he had time traveled from the set of a 70s blaxploitation film. nevermind the obvious stereotypes he was promoting with his obvious ass getup. anyway, his coat was completely unbuttoned so his scrawny, bird chest was fully exposed. pimpin’ hadn’t been kind to him. he looked homeless. holes in his shoes. dirty fingernails. tart scent. he seemed to know the hookers from around the way. or maybe they were just networking. i guess hookers and pimps can network too. or perhaps he was their actual pimp. the hookers sat upright the minute he boarded the train and the one that had been crying all along shut that entire shit up. anyway, they spoke. seemed like light hearted banter. i learned that day that communication between a pimp and his hoes isn’t always serious. it’s not always about bitches betta be havin’ that money. there’s room for shootin’ the breeze sometimes.

it’s important to note at this point…that like anyone living in the city, i had my earphones on and a gaze that seemed to indicate i wasn’t present or paying any attention to my surroundings at all. of course…i saw and heard everything. and it almost blew my weak, weak soul into teeny tiny smithereens to be feasted upon by the subway rats.

anyway…so, the pimp and the hookers chatted for awhile. a few stops down, a man–we’ll call him the “school teacher”–got on. He was clean and looked like he was…well, a school teacher. he was wearing what i call “spectacles”. he had a friend with him. he also had on neat clothes and his shoes even looked polished. nothing strange there. except……………they all knew each other. the homeless pimp, school teacher and school teacher’s friend exchanged daps accompanied by shoulder bumps. scarface & the joker acknowledged them and in no time, it seemed everyone was happily chatting away.

then……the pimp opened his dirty coat pocket and pulled out a handful of red grapes. they shared the grapes. chatted some more. ate more grapes. FUCKIN’. GRAPES. school teacher got off the train. the hookers got off at the next stop. but not before the pimp told them to “go right back to the cut”. they took some more fuckin’ grapes for the road.

then….the pimp looked around and went into his coat pocket one more time. this time he brought out a handful of old cigarette butts. he threw them in the air and yelled “weeeeeee!” a few landed by my feet. then he started break dancing. no music. no context. he spoke in gibberish. or raps? no one knew what was going on. i’m pretty sure everyone was mapping out exit strategies behind their disenchanted stares.

then….the pimp noticed the old white man reading a novel. he ran toward him and slid down the entire length of the subway seat. feet first. legs wide open. he stopped right before crashing into the old man. he farted. literally. farted. in this man’s face. the old man turned the page of his book. he blinked repeatedly. i’m pretty sure he’s wasn’t reading. actually i know he’s wasn’t reading. he didn’t turn from that one page for the rest of the 15 minutes i was on that doomed train apparently headed straight to hell.

somewhere along the line, my mind left me and took a stroll. it refused to be a part of the buffoonery. i blacked out after that.

i swear this is non fiction. i couldn’t make this shit up if i tried.

Follow Tosin on Twitter, @Tee_Tos, and also, tumblr, http://flummoxedbird.tumblr.com/ ……..



16 Responses to “as told by tosin……..”

  1. 1 Kia
    June 2, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    Fuckin HEE-LARRY-US!!!!!!

  2. June 2, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    What the hell kinda performance art shit is this? LOL good post. Now I have another blog to read 🙂

  3. June 2, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    this can’t be a real story. i actually believed until you got to part with the cigarette butts and the farting. this can’t be life. if this is what life is like in new york i might just take a taxi everywhere when i move. either way this was hilarious. i already started following your line sister on tumblr. pretty interesting pics. i’ll follow her on twitter as well.

  4. 4 Boondoc
    June 2, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    i just… i… have… i need… i need some time to process this.

  5. June 2, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    That is the funniest thing I have read all day long…thanks for the laugh. My days on the subways were always comical. I will be following

  6. 6 devessel
    June 2, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    this isn’t a blog post. it’s HBO.

  7. 7 courtney
    June 2, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    all i can think is, “wow, RED grapes?” pimps are hip to the antioxidant game, i suppose.

  8. June 2, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    I have real tears streaming down my face at work right now. Grapes??? Cigarette butts??? OMG!!!!

  9. June 2, 2011 at 8:02 pm

    I’m so weak. THIS is the story behind your twitter bio, Tos? *falls out* I’m done for the rest of the day 😆

  10. 10 Fab of Montreal
    June 6, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    Wow, I need more of these stories in my life…I felt like I was on that Train.. and for those who don’t know, this is standard NYC subway action. You might not catch such feats on the daily, but you will be both scarred and blessed by the metro freaks eventually, and much like the storyteller, you gotta keep your pokerface game tight, less you unintentionally become part of the show.

  11. 11 annessa
    June 7, 2011 at 7:00 am

    I have a story just like this but in mine the train conductor would’ve stopped the train for 45 minutes, while the neighborhood children harassingly sell that candy in the box that says not for individual sale. Oh my days on that 6 train to parkchester…its was like taxicab confessions but you know on a non moving train… thanks for the memories!

  12. June 11, 2011 at 2:41 am

    a completely accurate depiction of ny subway life if i’ve ever heard one. this makes me want to start chronicling mine. thanks for the massive laugh.

  13. June 25, 2011 at 12:48 am

    hilariousness! this can’t be real life…either way i literally laughed out loud reading this

  14. June 27, 2011 at 6:21 am

    OMG. I’m laughing so hard, I’m snorting. This story is ridiculous. I can’t. I really can’t. Thanks so much for sharing.

  15. July 7, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    It is absolutely amazing to me that you see this level of bizarre interaction on the train in NY. While here in DC all I ever see is a bunch of bad asss kids that make me ponder the benefits of forced sterilizations.

  16. 16 Tashya
    August 7, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    Get out. I think this may be the funniest thing I have read, EVER.

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a history of my meanderings….


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